the great loss

Ide tentang five stages of grief always fascinate me, ide dimana sedih tuh gak cuma soal sedih, gak Cuma soal menye-menye unhappy. Ternyata sedih punya tahapnya sendiri, tahap yang selalu dilewati sadar gak sadar. Tapi ngapain nganalisa sedih, bg?

A week ago, I lost my dad. Bapak meninggal dunia di waktu yang sama sekali gak disangka-sangka (meskipun sebenernya mungkin udah suratan takdir udah  gitu). I guess the saying kematian gak ada yg ngira---itu benar adanya. Bangke.

I never think about death. Not until recently. My dad's death opened my eyes--emang bangke yg namanya kematian ya. Why people have to die. Why my dad. Why not ANYone else. Why would god NEED to do this to my dad, fuck fuck fuck fuck.

It is hard, losing my dad means like half my world ends. Aku kerja jauh-jauh buat ngebahagiain bapak. Belum sampe part dimana aku ngebahagiain bapak, bapak udah gak ada. Pertama kali aku ngerantau--circa september 2014-- I was told that my dad cried seeing me off in my dorm. Now I am crying seeing him passed away. He passed away missing me, in which I didn’t come home.

This is how it go with my grief:

Denial---no my dad is NOT dead. He could not be dead. Aku belum pulang jadi bapak gak BOLEH dan gak BISA meninggal gitu aja. Aku belum ngabisin banyak waktu sama bapak. There is still SO MANY THINGS that I have not do yet with my dad. No this could not happen my dad should not leave me.

Anger---DAMN WHY NO ONE TOLD ME MY DAD WAS FUCKING ILL WHY NO ONE BRING MY DAD TO A HOSPITAL OR SOME CLINIC OR SOME FUCKING DOCTOR THERE'S LITERALLY A DOCTOR HUNDRED METERS AWAY FROM HOME WHY NO ONE JUST TAKE MY DAD TO THE DOCTOR WHY NO ONE TOLD ME THAT MY DAD ALREADY PASSED AWAY WHEN I AM ON THE WAY TO HOME WHY NO ONE TOLD ME MY DAD WAS MISSING ME SO MUCH THAT HE DIED WITHOUT SEEING ME FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK THIS OUTBOUND SHIT THAT I HAVE TO DEAL I SHOULD FUCKING JUST GO HOME AND SEE MY DAD AS USUAL AT FUCK 1 AM  FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCKING FUCK TO HELL WITH YOU ALL PEOPLE WHO DO NOT FUCKING TELL ME THAT MY DAD WAS MISSING ME THE WHOLE TIME MY DAD SHOULD NOT DIE IN HIS SLEEP WHILE MISSING HIS ONLY SON FUCK YOU FUCK ANYTHING

Bargaining---mungkin ini yg terbaik buat bapak, mungkin sakit yg bapak rasakan memang untuk melebur dosa beliau. Tapi kalo bisa, bapak jangan meninggal kalo belum ketemu aku. Gak. Bapak gak boleh meninggal kalo belum ketemu aku. Harusnya aku bisa ketemu bapak sebelum bapak meninggal. Aku udah naik motor dari bandung secepet yang aku bisa, aku 5 jam naik motor yg biasanya orang 8 jam dari bandung ke purwokerto. Aku udah usaha sebisaku buat ketemu bapak

Depression---to hell with this. My life is crumbling. I don’t want to feel any more. I just want to sleep and forget it all.

Acceptance---people said it is for the best. My dad no longer have to deal with his illness in heaven. My dead is already resting in peace so why would not I be at peace as well knowing my dad is in better place?

But damn, why would my tears won't stop making waterfall. Why would my heart is still in a storm.

Rest in peace, dad.